Mutton by India Knight

Author:India Knight [Knight, India]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780141970592
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2012-11-04T00:00:00+00:00

11

The eyebrows don’t show any sign of moving downwards, which I suppose was only to be expected. I become used to them, sort of. Which is funny, in a way, because it presumably means I could have got used to my frown. Instead I am now a woman with ridiculous eyebrows – galling, because I used to be a woman with really great eyebrows. I am a woman with ridiculous eyebrows and a smooth face, like an egg you’ve drawn on in black marker pen.

However. It’s not actually that bad a look. I mean, I wouldn’t go out of my way to choose it, but it doesn’t seem to be diminishing my charms when it comes to Bel (what is that short for? Beloved?). He doesn’t know my face well enough, unlike my family, to start pointing and laughing at its upper reaches. He’s been scooting about Europe – and Africa, quite thrillingly – but every ten days or so returns to London, and to Claridge’s, and to a succession of dinners with me. We have a lovely time, and eventually it occurs to me that perhaps you can’t base your love life on explosive sex (it occurs to me, but then a voice in my head says, ‘Really? Why not?’ This voice is unhelpful and quite insistent. I will silence it). There is no sex with Bel, possibly because he is called Bel (Babybel?), though there is perma-flirtation. The dinners couldn’t be nicer. He pays charming compliments, he laughs enthusiastically at all my jokes, he says gallant things and listens attentively to my opinions.

He knows his way round a wine list, which is neither here nor there because so do I, but I like it anyway. There are things grown-up men should be able to do: navigate a wine list; navigate a menu without looking thick (not looking thick tout court is itself a winner); speak at least one foreign language passably; change a tyre without appearing toddlerishly puzzled; wear a suit with aplomb; have da sexual skillz; give beautiful, rather than garage, flowers; put up shelves; know the words of the better-known hymns and the subtexts of the better-known pictures; carry your cases or bags without asking; use a drill without making anxious squeaks about self-electrocution; complain about bad service in a charming manner; buy you underwear that a) fits and b) is sexy; make omelettes, so nobody starves; dispose of dead animals, e.g. rodents, without fuss (and catch bird-sized moths and spiders with faces and put them outside); hold a manual driving licence, because an automatic one is unmasculine; play sport with children – not be the mimsy one on the sidelines saying, ‘I don’t play football, actually’; swim properly, i.e. get in and do the crawl; drink alcohol without becoming giggly or tearful; not go to bed before you, so that you find them all tucked up like a nan; be kind to animals but, if he has a dog, never refer to himself as ‘Daddy’. Oh, and go bald gracefully.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.